The Way Out Is In

The Emotion Escape Route

“I just can’t deal with this anger. I need it to GO AWAY.”

Have you ever found yourself desperately trying to escape uncomfortable emotions? That tightness in your chest during a high-stakes meeting. The knot in your stomach before delivering difficult feedback. The racing thoughts that keep you up at 3 AM.

Most of us have been conditioned to view these feelings as problems to solve or enemies to vanquish. We try every distraction technique in the book – overworking, doom-scrolling, excessive planning, or simply shutting down. Yet somehow, these emotions keep returning, often with even greater intensity.

For years, I approached my own discomfort this way. I prided myself on being “the rational one” in the room – the engineering leader who could compartmentalize feelings and focus purely on solutions. But beneath that carefully constructed exterior, those unprocessed emotions were silently eroding my effectiveness, my relationships, and my well-being.

Coming Full Circle

Last week, I had the profound privilege of coming full circle – serving as a teaching assistant for the same coaching course I once took as a student. This time, we focused on process coaching – the advanced skill of helping clients move through the feelings they’re trying hardest to avoid.

Watching these students, I saw my own journey reflected back at me. Their initial resistance to sitting with uncomfortable emotions. The protective instinct to analyze rather than feel. The breakthrough moment when they finally surrendered to the process.

What I witnessed was remarkable. When we create space to feel our emotions fully – with compassion and without judgment – something transformative happens. That anger that seemed overwhelming? When truly felt rather than resisted, it often reveals important values or boundaries that need protecting. Those tears that feel embarrassing? They might be washing away old stories that no longer serve you.

The Tech Leader’s Paradox

As leaders in tech, we’re trained to debug systems, not emotions. But what if the most powerful debugging tool isn’t avoidance but presence?

My weekend as a teaching assistant deepened my own practice too. I found myself confronting emotions I typically sidestep – the perfectionism that has both driven and limited me throughout my career, the vulnerability of guiding others through territory I’m still exploring myself. Unlike debugging code, there was no quick fix or three-step solution. Process coaching taught me that transformation happens in the messy middle, in that uncomfortable space of simply being with what is.

What made the difference for me – both as a coach and in my personal growth – was creating a container of compassionate awareness around the emotion without trying to change it. No analyzing it away. No rushing to action. Just witnessing with curiosity what had always been there, waiting to be acknowledged.

Emergence and Invitation

The way out is in. And sometimes, the emotions we’re most afraid to feel contain exactly the wisdom we need to move forward.

Just like those students I guided last week, you might discover that on the other side of fully processed emotions lies unexpected strength and clarity. I watched them transform before my eyes – resistance giving way to revelation, discomfort yielding to discovery. In those three days, I witnessed what I’ve experienced in my own journey: when we stop running from difficult feelings and instead move through them with courage, we emerge with resources we never knew we had.

Ready to explore how this approach might transform your leadership? Let’s connect. ✨