Mor Schlesinger

The Missing Ask: Why We Negotiate Salary but Wait for Promotions

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I’m currently reading Women Don’t Ask by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever. If you haven’t read it yet, put it on your list. It explores a painful truth that many of us know instinctively: women are often much less likely than men to negotiate for what they want, assuming that hard work alone will be noticed and rewarded.

It stopped me in my tracks.

But as I was reading, I started thinking about what I’m seeing on the ground right now, as a former tech executive and now as a leadership coach.

Here is the thing: recent data suggests that when it comes to salary, the gap is actually closing. Women are negotiating pay more often than they used to. The message “know your worth” has started to sink in.

But there is another gap that no one is talking about.

From my experience working with brilliant women in tech, I’m not seeing that same confidence translate to promotions.

I see incredible professionals doing the work, hitting every target, and then… waiting. Waiting to be noticed. Waiting to be tapped on the shoulder. Waiting for someone else to validate that they are ready.

And when they finally do ask? It often comes with less conviction than their male counterparts. It sounds more like a tentative question (“Do you think I might be ready?”) rather than a statement of fact (“Here is why I am ready”).

It’s Not Just You: The Research Backs This Up

If you feel this hesitation, please know: it is not a personal failing. It is a systemic pattern backed by data.

  • The “Tiara Syndrome”: This term, often cited by Sheryl Sandberg, describes the tendency for women to keep their heads down and deliver excellent work, hoping that the right people will notice and place a “tiara” on their head. We expect the system to be a meritocracy, but often, it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
  • The Confidence Gap: Studies consistently show a gap where men tend to overestimate their abilities and performance, while women underestimate theirs. This means a man might apply for a promotion when he meets 60% of the criteria, while a woman waits until she meets 100%.
  • The “Likability Penalty”: Research from Harvard and others has shown that women face a “social cost” for negotiating aggressively. We are often judged more harshly for being “pushy” or “demanding,” which subconsciously forces many of us to soften our ask or wait until we feel “safe” to ask.
  • The “Broken Rung”: The annual Women in the Workplace report by McKinsey & Lean In highlights that the biggest obstacle women face isn’t the glass ceiling—it’s the “broken rung” at the first step up to manager. For every 100 men promoted to manager, only 87 women are promoted. This early friction discourages future asking.

Navigating Without a Map

So, how do we fix this? We stop waiting for permission. And we stop relying on “feeling” ready.

Confidence doesn’t come from a pep talk in the mirror. It comes from data.

Often, I see women hoping to get promoted without fully understanding the expectations of the next level. It is like navigating in nature without trail marks, a map, or a compass. You might be moving fast, but are you moving in the right direction?

If you want that promotion, you need to treat it like a project. You need a plan.

The Deep Dive: Your Promotion Readiness Checklist

Getting promoted isn’t just about doing the work; it’s about proving you are ready for the next level of work. Use this checklist to prepare for your career conversation.

1. The Data: Do you have the map?

Navigating without a map is a recipe for getting lost. Before you talk to your manager, you need to know exactly what the destination looks like.

  • I have identified the specific role requirements for the next level. (Don’t guess what the role requires. Find the documentation, or if it doesn’t exist, interview your manager or others at that level to define it.)
  • I have mapped my current performance against those expectations. (Be honest. Where are you exceeding? Where are you just meeting them?)
  • I have identified 2-3 specific gaps I need to close. (These aren’t weaknesses; they are your growth opportunities for the next cycle.)

2. The Narrative: Can you tell your story?

If you don’t tell your story, someone else will, and they might tell it wrong.

  • I can clearly articulate my unique value proposition. (What is your “superpower”? What do you bring that no one else does?)
  • I have concrete examples and metrics of my recent wins. (Vague feelings don’t get promoted. Data does.)
  • My narrative connects my work to the company’s broader goals. (Show that you understand the big picture, a key trait of leadership.)

Tip: A coach is invaluable here. We can help you identify the “blind spots” in your narrative that you might be missing because you are too close to the work.

3. The Partnership: Is your manager on board?

Research shows women succeed more in negotiations when requests are framed as a common interest rather than an ultimatum. Make your manager a partner in your success.

  • I have scheduled a dedicated career conversation. (Don’t squeeze this into the last 5 minutes of a status update.)
  • I have framed my request as a shared goal. (Instead of “I want a promotion,” try “How do we get me ready for the next level?”)
  • We have agreed on a timeline and specific milestones. (Walk away with a plan, not just a “maybe.”)

Over to You

If you have been waiting for someone to notice your hard work, I want to invite you to stop waiting.

Is it time to think about your next promotion? Grab the “map,” look at the data, and start the conversation.

How are you going to plan for it?

References & Further Reading:

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